The pregnancy saga!!
I went to see the doctor on Monday and we figure I am about 7 ½ weeks pregnant. He gave me some literature and left me with some decisions to make. He also recommended that I only gain between 10 and 15 pounds. My immediate response was for the whole pregnancy, to which he responded , very seriously, yes. I think I gained an average of 8 to 10 pounds per month for the last 6 months of my first pregnancy. I’ll have to come up with a new game plan. Back to the decisions, there are a couple of test I could opt to do to help determine whether or not I am carrying a “normal” baby. One is an IP test which involves a couple of blood tests and ultra sound and the other is an amniocentesis. I don’t know that I want to do either one. What if I find out that I may be carrying a baby with downs syndrome, what then? Do I terminate? I don’t think so. I couldn’t justify doing that because I was carrying a possible “less than normal” baby. I am a firm believer in having choices and I don’t think I could choose to terminate under that circumstance. I didn’t do either test with my last pregnancy and was not disappointed with my son. He is “normal” but I don’t think I would love him any less if he wasn’t. I have talked to my husband and we both agree that we’d rather be pleasantly surprised by a cute, cuddly baby of either sex. We don’t want to know about maybes and possibilities that, as far as I am concerned, are beyond our control. This is my thinking. I would be more than happy to read what others may think on this subject.

Swimming Doodle
On Father’s Day this weekend (like everyday isn’t Father’s Day!!!) we spent some time at my parents’ time share cottage. One of the day’s activities was swimming. My little doodle is almost 3 and loves the water but has never swum on his own. We put water wings on him and took him around the pool and soon enough he had the courage to let go and do it on his own. He probably swallowed a gallon or so of pool water but had a great time bobbing around the pool. It is so amazing to see him grow up. He is becoming so independent both in thought and action that it makes me sad and proud at the same time. He’ll be 3 in August. If only we could get the potty training part of things sorted out…

Its A Wonderful Life!
I went to see my therapist on Monday after work and it went very well, as those things go. We talked and then left our next possible meeting open. I think he feels that I am doing OK on my own with figuring out what I need to do. He hasn’t left me hanging and said he’d call to check on me in about a month but I feel like I have been given the push I need to test out my wings. My anniversary is this weekend and I think one of the things my husband and I need to do is make a new marriage contract. Decide what it is that each of us is willing to do and commit to, to make our relationship stronger. We need to breathe some new life into things. This is my plan that I have worked out with my therapist. I feel very good and positive about it and think it will give me what I need, and I’m sure my husband too, to feel good and happy. I have somehow found some inner strength and am ready to flex my muscles. I am having one of my moments of clarity which is something I have not experienced for a long time. It feels darn good. There is a tunnel in front of me that is short enough that I can see what is on the other side and it looks good. My life is far from wonderful but it is pretty good right now. It is a work in progress and I am not afraid of doing the work. Thanks again to all those who may be listening…

YAY for me!!!

I did a pregnancy test last Thursday and it came up positive. I am happy. My husband and I had a rough patch last winter and we recently filed for bankruptcy but this makes me happy. We are sorting ourselves out and re-establishing ourselves financially and things are beginning to look up. I am unsure of how people will react, in light of our above-mentioned troubles, but the most important people in this are us. We have each other and our beautiful son and that’s what matters. I also know that our families and friends, although shocked, I’m sure, will be happy for us too. I am going to the doctor on June 26 and I’m hoping that he will be able to give the guidance I need so that I don’t gain as much weight as with my first child. Apparently you can’t drink unlimited iced caps and eat unlimited french fries and not gain a bunch weight when you’re pregnant! I am trying on my own to make healthier choices and walk more. This is made easier in the spring and summer months and even the fall, but I am more worried about the winter months when I will be getting down to the crunch and it won’t be so easy to get out to go for walks. I guess I shouldn’t really worry about it now, that’s a long time away. One day at a time. Baby steps. That’s how I have to look at it, right? I will sign off for now. I am hoping that the weather improves some time really soon.

Rabbits Carrots
I don’t have much to say today. I think I may be on the way to happiness. Slowly but surely. Its hard for me to recognize, but I find myself a little more relaxed and less pissed off than before. I am in a place where it seems that all may work out in the end. I am not constantly worrying about money, although it is still often on my mind (I just can’t help it!). I think I have figured out that I have to be less demanding of myself, and less hard on myself. As much as I don’t like to admit it, I am not perfect, I have faults and little quirks. Everyone has them, right? I am a good person, I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I deserve to be happy and to not sweat the small stuff so much. My husband is good at that. He sweats the big stuff but no the small stuff. I wonder if he could teach me how to do that more effectively? I just have to remember that life is too short so I better enjoy each and every minute of it. That’s all I have to say for now. I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Rabbits Carrots
I am so glad to have this forum in which to talk freely. And although I know there will possibly be comments at least it is allowing me to speak with no interruptions (except for those pesky work ones!). I am hoping to be pregnant. It seems kind of weird for me to say that, I think, because this past February I was almost ready to end my marriage and now I want to have another baby. I’m just feeling pretty good right now. My marriage isn’t any where near perfect but it’s definitely a work in progress. I want a baby. Is that so wrong? I am due to get my period any day now and I am really hoping that I don’t get it. I know my husband will be happy about it. He definitely wants more kids and generally wants what I want, as far as I know. It may not be the smartest thing to do right now because we are not financially stable and my husband is commuting about 1 ¼ hours each way to his job, but somehow it just feels right. That’s all I have for now. I will keep anyone that is interested posted.

OK. So part of me figuring out what it is that I want from my life is trying to figure out what makes me happy. I have struggling with that question, with the help of my therapist, for a couple of months now. Its not as simple to answer as you may think. I can share a list of things like a sunset on the beach, a good book or my son's smile but that doesn't really define what makes me happy. I'm thinking that when I find out what makes me tick and what it is that I actually want and can stand up for it that I will be happy. If all that doesn't work then I don't know what will. My husband has been trying to work through this with me but I am not always convinced that he is listening to me, like really listening and hearing what I have to say. Although, to give him credit, he is working on his own stuff too, or at least I think he is. He doesn't really talk to me much. He talks a lot, actually, he just doesn't say much of anything. I just want to know that everything I do has a purpose and its not all just for the hell of it. Is it OK to want flowers once in a while or a card or a sweet gesture to say thanks for being there? Of course, it could be much worse. I could be all alone with no hope of any kind. There is light in my tunnel, at least. I think I have said enough for now.

OK. So, I'm walking to work today with my child in his stroller and I go to cross the street at a set of lights, which was showing green for me, and some jerk was blocking the cross-walk. I stood there in the middle of the intersection and he looked at me like I had 2 heads. I suggested he move his truck and he said, very snottily, that he had to wait for traffic to clear. I then told him that he shouldn't pull so far forward and he responded with a loud "OH SHUT UP!". I was shaking as I walked out into traffic with my stroller in order to get around him. I should also mention that he had a child in the truck with him. A great example he is setting for future generations. As he was driving away I could see him leaning slightly toward his child saying something, probably about what a stupid bitch I am. Some people are so inconsiderate. I am not perfect myself but I know that I have become much more self-aware since becoming a mother. I watch my actions and especially the language I use because little ears hear a lot more than we think, and the mouths attached to those ears repeat what they hear. I feel better now that I have had a chance to vent. Thank you to whomever may be listening.